Crisp and Color

I caved and bought a few Craftsy classes this past week. I've had this idea about Craftsy, that it's a thing for people looking for things to do that they have zero to amateurish knowledge of to begin with. Judgmental? Yes, I'm aware. Anyhoo, I bought a bread baking course with Peter Reinhart, and from noon till five yesterday, I was making dough for the most part, and then baking it. Peter talks about the 12 step baking bread process, and describes bread making as metaphor; life and death. Activating the yeast, essentially bringing it to life, and let's be honest, what do I know about yeast in the first place. I thought it might be an animal with how he described it. I googled it. Yeast is classified as a fungi, so it's not an animal. *sigh of relief*



You, being reader, may not know, but I went off the deep end, I mean vegan/vegetarian back in March 2016. For those that are looking for an argument, go elsewhere. I'm not about to peg myself into a figurative hole and give up Triple Creme Brie for the rest of my life, or give up honey, or if I want a freakin' egg with my Brie once in a blue moon, or give up my leather and bags. It's diet only, and I don't pretend otherwise. Although, I could get used to not shaving body hair as it is practically winter...

So, as I was saying, I made and baked bread. I ended up with three French baguettes and a baby boule, which I don't have the heart to pierce and slice, decapitating  it's cute little button frame, yet. What am I saying; I can't wait. Especially with some vegan butter, it's going to be delicious. Just as the French bread was supposed to turn out, each loaf had great crisp and color. They even had some larger(er), irregular holes as artisan bread is supposed to have. There was a certain high to the day, in part due to the fact that I was doing something I enjoy. To be frank, I find there's a certain serenity in baking and cooking, which I don't find elsewhere. Getting my fat ass out of bed at 7AM, an ungodly hour, five days a week is a constant challenge. Corporate work feels like work, and ultimately, it's boring. It's not that I don't have work to do, it's that it's not "fun." At least for my brain anyway.

Take for today as example. It's cold and dreary and my pants are not as loose as they once were--like last week. I'd rather be stretching and folding dough, in my horrid Roots Canada sweatpants, than be sitting in a grey cube. *existential moment: how did I end up here* Did I mention I recently turned 25?

Conversations

So, I've been online dating for almost two years now and I'm learning new things about these specimens, the ones we call men, on a daily basis. Most, if not all, of my observations are somewhat banal, but nevertheless, useful. I read, as I am sure many women do too, on men's profiles that they seek a companion or person or woman with whom they would like to be able to have and sustain (intellectual and/or philosophical) conversations. That men wish to be able to have thoughtful and meaningful discussions may sound promising, but in reality, the men requesting such events are unable to begin or maintain such a conversation. Men aren't good conversationalists. True, we know this and we've known this to be fact for forever. Men don't want to share their feelings and they sure aren't going to be vulnerable and put themselves out there, which oddly enough, that is what the woman does and is expected to do in a sense. With that said, one would think online dating would be a perfect platform for all men, especially the ones that are fearful or anxious about starting up a conversation with women. Unfortunately, this doesn't seem to be the case. All too often I am messaged stupid lines of text that require zero thought. I've also come to recognize a copy-paste message among other effortless attempts to engage me in conversation, such as the ubiquitous one liner, "hey." Men who don't ask questions seem disinterested and uninterested, which leads me to believe my role as the woman seems to be ego-booster or immediate cure-for-boredom. Thoughts?

Discovery: Fascinating Phenomena of the Male Mind

November, also known as my favorite month, has flown by rather quickly. Naturally, interesting things have happened since my last post. Previously, I was committed to "winning" NaNoWriMo...that is until I didn't write one day, and then I didn't write the following day, and, of course, a pattern ensued. I have been writing a poem here and there, as well as adding small additions to my novellas I'm working on. I also took a part time job. I never expected to be working in the wonderful world of retail, but hey, it's temporary. Actually, everything is temporary. Dating is temporary, or so I make it so.

I dated a guy for two weeks this month, but I was never exactly interested. In fact, after the first time I met him, I was watching a Sex and The City episode where Carrie goes out with a guy that just isn't her type. She refers to dating him as if she's trying him on like a dress. As I was watching the episode, a light bulb, figuratively, of course, appeared above my head. Well, after a second date, I couldn't take any more so I promptly ended it. Phew. My special friend in Hungary, whom I'm not sure I've mentioned, has proven himself to be quite the animal. He has been exhibiting a complete lack of self-control, as well as possessing no morals whatsoever. As a stereotypical representation of the contemporary man, I have to say I'm kind of, if not completely, disgusted with his behavior. This guy isn't the first Capricorn (yes, I did just make an astrological reference) I've come across. From my observations, they prove to be shitty long-term partners and share similar characteristics that I find to be savage and downright annoying. They have a need for speeding things up, and from the two I've encountered, both contend with an incompatibility between woman and commitment. Honestly though, what's the point in a guy 'buying' when he can get so much for free?

I've figured out my friend's pattern of behavior, so kudos to me, right? Generally, we talk or text or video chat on a daily basis, but every so often, he disappears for a few days. Well, I've done some investigative reporting (I've won an award for this for real) and the results are fascinating. Alright, so there are a little more than four thousand miles, and a decade in age difference, between us, and he's single. Putting that to the side, I've discovered that when he ceases to exist in my reality, he's sleeping around. I asked bluntly to which he confirmed my suspicions. What's so interesting is that we're friends, maybe a little more than your average friend definition, but he disappears every time he has sex with some woman (the last one being old, according to his own words). It seems he experiences some sort of guilt or else he'd be talking to me, after he's finished with whatever woman he's used as a receptacle. We entered into an argument, well, I started it when I told him he uses women. He sees his behavior as a positive where I see it as the objectification and commodification of women. He doesn't care for or about these women--he just uses them. He complains the women he dates are not bright enough, not well-travelled enough, not sophisticated enough, blah blah blah... for him. Of course, I am all of those things (grin to self). He has no desire to know the women, be friends with them, just nothing outside of the sheets, yet he disagrees with my stance. He thinks he's living an authentic life as part of counter culture: not letting rules limit his options and or choices, freedom of sexual expression, etc. Naturally I told him he is the culture of our time, he is the contemporary man promulgating this era of sex with no strings attached. It's casual, he says. There is no such thing as casual, but we're talking about a man, and men, that don't enjoy feeling feelings. I think his argument is bullshit. Absent from his behavior and mindset are morals. He says he has values, but who knows. Seriously, luring a married woman into a potentially compromising situation, just because sex is natural, doesn't speak sainthood to me. Parasitic amoebae are natural too. I think comparing him to a potentially deadly single cell organism is actually a well fitting paradigm for his character. Still, I'm drawn to his charismatic, charming, extroverted personality. Is he a caring, kind, sweet guy? Yes, yes he is. Can he be faithful, committed or loyal? He says so, but he has yet to prove his abilities.

Do you think I'm right (I doubt I'm wrong) about his behavior being stereotypical for a majority of men in our society/culture today? I'm not going to generalize and say all men are like my friend, but I've come in contact with many who share similar traits. I do think many men view women as things to be used, as if a woman is commodity, and I think my friend is trying to spin his behavior in a positive light when in reality, he's as far from being a gentleman.

NaNoWriMo: Challenge Accepted

So I've made an executive decision. I will be participating in NaNoWriMo. I've already completed day one successfully with the addition of 2042 words to one story. I wrote for two hours and completely lost track of time. I'd like to prove to myself I can write fifty thousand words. I want to be a novelist so one must do novelist things.

I'm in a creative mood, as you can tell, so, I've also started a new self-portrait series. I don't know what to call it, but I'm playing with the idea of something being hallow and hollow at the same time. Blasphemy isn't the right word to describe it, but it's closer than anything else I can think of. 

I hate winter

I hope the title of my post made my feelings clear. I despise the cold, loathe the snow, abhor everything about winter…except, the clothes. I like the clothes (boots included). I'm feeling like I should have something really great to write, a poem of course, but nothing has come to fruition. Maybe it's because I'm writing it in my head first or maybe it's a lack of motivation. Hmm…I'm thinking it's because of the weather. I'll take the opportunity now, in this moment, on this line, to thank all my G+ follows. I appreciate it. Without you…I'd still be myself, but with less followers--no followers to be exact. I have no novel ideas, very very sad...

14 weeks till parole, I mean graduation

This has been a tough few months. Those of you who read my posts and/or follow me, or maybe the collective 'you' in you're are really just a bunch of bots (yay for alliteration!), who knows, ahhh I digress, you know I'm rather sensitive for an INTJ. Actually, I'm just better at expressing my feelings through written word. I figured that out when someone was talking to me about an opportunity and I said "I'm really excited, I would love to do that," and I could feel my face and it didn't exactly feel as if it was giving off the "I'm really excited, I would love to do that"face. At least I acknowledge my shortcomings. I keep dreaming about a certain someone, maybe once a week, and I'm not the type of person to talk myself into hating someone I couldn't exactly stay mad at, let alone get mad at, so it's making it very difficult to 'move on,' more specifically, I haven't met anyone recently where there's a spark…I need the damn spark! What's not helping either is the sample pool of potential dating specimens. I've met some quirky guys, nothing wrong with quirky, I'm quirky, but I've also encountered some not so nice ones too. It comes with the territory, but it's kind of hard for me to wrap my mind around the fact that I 'met' (only messaged online) a guy that told me I don't eat enough (who the hell do you think you are?!), I shouldn't and don't need to work out (again, really who the hell do you think you are?!), and in order for us to have a relationship (again, I never met him!), I'd need to compromise with him (isn't this like a we've been dating for six months talk??) and allow him to cook for me (maybe this could work…), but his cooking would have to be his way because he refuses to cook "healthy hipster Whole Foods crap" (ehhh, I don't think it's gonna work...) and I would need to gain a few pounds (nope. Definitely not gonna work…). I've very picky, I've come to terms with this too. I'm not asking guys out for coffee either anymore. Sometimes I think I'm the one with balls, but I just can't find them…Besides looking for someone I'd actually be willing and wanting to spend time with, I'm working on my last semester. Hopefully I'll graduate with my remaining hair and the migraines and anxiety will magically go poof. Until then, I'll cry just a little each time I find a strand of hair not on my head. One day, my hair will be as magnificent as it was in Kindergarten.

Are you a Chatwinian?

I'm a fourth year (senior, whatever you prefer to call it) and I'm taking a seminar course about Bruce Chatwin…have you ever heard of him? Ever read any of his work? There are seven students in the class which is pretty damn fantastic and the professor is, I want to say amazing, because he's extremely knowledgable and tells great stories (they usually involve some historical aspect and I usually find history lectures to be prosaic but not these).

Anyways, I've had to read all of Chatwin's work (which amounts to seven novels/books of essays). I got stuck, I mean having the privilege, of writing a reception history for The Viceroy of Ouidah. It's just okay.

Hands down my favorite Chatwin piece is On The Black Hill. It's a beautifully written, more traditional, novel. Each of his books (In Patagonia, The Songlines, The Viceroy of Ouidah, Utz) is set in a different part of the world (he was a 'wander,' believed a nomadic life is best) and each book falls into different genres (In Patagonia actually ended up in the travel section originally--which is why Chatwin was known as a travel writer, The Viceroy of Ouidah falls under historical fiction, The Songlines, according to Chatwin, is fiction and so is Utz). All the books are great, except The Viceroy of Oudiah…because it's just meh. But you might love it, don't let my lack of enthusiasm deter you from reading all of his work. The biography on Bruce Chatwin from 2000 (written by Nicholas Shakespeare) has great information and it's rather entertaining. Chatwin creates fantastic and quirky characters, much like himself.

As part of my research, I had to watch Cobra Verde (1988), a film directed by Werner Herzog which stars Klaus Kinski (it's actually the last film the two made together, they hated each other). Kinski as a Brazilian slave trader? I just didn't see Herzog's vision. I can still see Kinski's face… Needless to say, the film is a very very very freely adapted version of the book.

Most Amazing Essay Written As Part of An Exam

I promised the world, a few posts back, that I would post my Intro to STAC essay when I got it back. Well, I got it back. To give you the idea of the prompt, it's something like this:

"A producer wants to finance a suspense/action/horror film and must choose a concept A or B. Your job is to recommend A or B. Explain why your choice would make a better film. Include a general storyline." I chose A: The world is being overrun by self-propelled, self-directed machines - robots. They are fast, strong and violent. They reproduce by scavenging materials from the world around them and building more versions of themselves."

Here is my essay that is 100% original. DO NOT STEAL IT. Even though, I can totally see why you would want to - because it's awesome...and amazing. 

Think “Aliens” meets “I am Legend” meets “I-Robot.” That’s my pitch for a suspense/action/ terrifying horror film. Robots reproducing by scavenging materials, violently attacking everyday people, going to war against our human armies and eventually taking over the world, because after all, they don’t need sleep and food to keep them alive, only humans do.

            While a non-visual source of terror usually does instill more fear within the audience, we humans still have a great aversion and fear about nonhuman beings taking control over our world. We like to fantasize that aliens would ‘come in peace’ and robots would just be servants. But since the birth of the automaton, robots have been the source of inspiration for suspenseful films, novels and play’s, like Rossum’s Universal Robot’s.

            Although a virus infecting the digital network is really non-visual to the audience, it’s also an abstract image that would need to be represented in some visual way and that just wouldn’t appear as visually frightening in any way that an ultra-strong, vicious, unintelligent ‘mechanical beast’ would appear. This is primarily due to the fact that human fears are related to the unknown and to things that look like us, act like us, but would really prefer to kill off the human race instead of living within our world harmoniously.

            To really give the audience a jolt, a great move for such a film would be to take a rather pessimistic outlook on the situation. Humans love when humans conquer other worldly invaders (think ‘Marvel’s The Avenger’s’) and hate when humans appear to be the inferior race. This is precisely why we have more superhero action films than human’s are the losers films. So, the film would end with the entire human population massacred and heartless, fearless robots living all over Earth. That will surely have the audience leaving the theatre without warm fuzzies, and an intense fear toward beings that mimic some of our more negative qualities, physically and mentally. And it may be thought only subconsciously, but even the ruthless robots that dominate the film do share similarities, mentally, with that of psychologically disturbed human beings.

            By taking a wholly negative outlook at robots multiplying by scavenging, an act humans view as barbaric, and destroying humanity, a suspenseful horror film is born. Nothing is more terrifying and worse than seeing your own kind being destroyed.