Tis the end of year

What makes tonight different than all the other nights? Well, it's the first New Year's Eve I'm spending with Benny. Tia, my beloved chihuahua, died in my arms on the twenty second of December. I feel sorta empty, while consumed with jitters, which I believe is anxiety. It's overwhelming at times. At this very moment, I'm sitting in a porch in a valley between two mountains listening to a stream. The air is crisp and fresh, and my eyelids feel heavy, even though I slept eight hours and thirty-one minutes. Benny has jumped on my lap, after swallowing a dead cricket from the bathroom floor, and promptly jumps off. Wherever he goes, I hear the quiet tinking of his collar charms. Tia would have enjoyed this day. 

Think Like A Dog

I'm reminded that most of things I worry about are in fact, utter bullshit. I know logically that it is absurd to be anxious, yet emotionally, suffering from anxiety is a chronic issue for me. I'm not controlling, nor am I interested in controlling every. single. thing., I just happen to have unexpected panic attacks, like when I'm sitting at my desk, or driving in the car alone whilst singing, horribly, to Adele's Hello. 

I like to think of myself as a pragmatic individual. A friend of mine seems to generally agree that I'm logical and reasonable, while still retaining an emotional side. I do believe I am in touch with my feelings. But, my emotions seem to be becoming rather controlling. Granted, I recently learned that my beloved, my soul mate, my baby (dog) has cancer. I'm kind of sort of devastated. It's not that I thought she'd live forever--I certainly hoped she might just turn out to be an immortal one--it's just the fact that I'm confronted with potentially losing the little big love of my life at any time. We've been together for almost half my life. She's my shadow, literally and figuratively. We've snuggled every day. She's been my personal heater during winter, and my road trip companion. She's my heart. 

I've thought of myself as a spiritual being, but I'm becoming to think I have a lack of faith. I've learned to keep my expectations and hopes low over the years. With my dog, we have a super cosmic-soul connection. The beauty of her spirit is that she doesn't have fear or anxiety, unless I do and then I feel like crap because I influenced her negatively. She's basically a little biofeedback machine. Logically, I understand and completely admire the dog model of thought; now. As a human, said to be a higher functioning being, I struggle with implementing that same model. My mind has great difficulty focusing solely on the present. Is this a survival technique? It can't be because dogs, domestic and or wild, have survived without thinking about the future. Maybe this is an Occam's razor moment; the simplest answer is the best. The simplest function is superior to the convoluted one. 

I haven't even mentioned yet how selfless she is--I've been too busy writing about me--but I digress. There's not a narcissistic bone in her little body. Maybe narcissism is just another form of anxiety. More importantly, a learned behavior. All humans are guilty of it--except a few--I know I'm generalizing, but not one dog I've ever known or heard of suffers from narcissism. Dogs are simpler creatures, which would mean dogs are the better and more highly functioning beings. Maybe dogs, let's say dog equals nature, are more in tune with faith. If we say nature has full and enduring faith, since tragedy doesn't stop them in their tracks, that eliminates anxiety (about death). Moral of the story--I should think like my dog--and love unconditionally like my dog--but act like a lady. 

Hello...again...

I may have forgotten I blog, or write, or both. Or maybe, just maybe, I've avoided this. The last time I checked in, it was April. Now, it's August and I've been working for almost for months. I've had a hard few last months, because I'm naturally an anxious person, but because I'm feeling tired, again. Why does it seem like if things are going poorly, they get progressively worse? Why not just better? Is this the universe's way of creating chaos? What is chaos anyhow? Is chaos why we get old and our bodies fail us? Does that mean that chaos and time are synonymous? 

All I know is that I have a headache, my group of friends, (which some make me feel that I'm an inconvenience for them, wanting to be a friend and talk to them, thereby taking up their time with frivolous and superfluous bullshit because I'm just insignificant now) feels like it has dwindled (which makes me sad), and I kind of want a Moscow Mule right now...I've been forcing myself to write diary entries, but I haven't written much in the way of fiction or poetry. Sometimes I feel like I have to write, but I'm so afraid that nothing good will come out and I'll be totally lost and I'll no longer have talent and then I'll have a life crisis because writing is what I've done since I was four and it's what I love and if I lose that then who am I? 

Five year plan

I was asked today what my five year plan is. At this moment, I don't have one. Every time I have a plan, or think I have one, it doesn't work out that way all, no resemblance to what I had envisioned whatsoever. When I think back, seven years ago, I had four possible plans, and then two, and now, no plan. Things that have happened, I would never have expected. I'm not lost, but I don't know where I'm going. The feeling is a bit uncomfortable, but I've got to just deal with it one day at a time, I suppose. 

Looking for a flower in a garden of weeds

I am beyond perturbed. I am pissed. I am disgusted with women treating themselves like a cheap commodity. In the past two weeks, I've been told by guys that they'd really like to fuck me. Flattering, romantic, sweet, eh? These men are not even that good looking, they wear ridiculously shrunken and inappropriately fitting argyle sweaters, or they're from North Africa visiting on a tourist visa. And they get laid. Or so they say. I've had enough of men devaluing women. I've had enough of being tested by men who think I do not mean what I say. Casual sex, promulgated by social apps like Tinder, are just a symptom of the bigger issue. My generation of fellow men and women, are, for lack of a better expression, fucked up. Where are old-fashioned values? I'm not making absurd statements, like premarital sex is a sin. I'm asking, where have an individuals self-worth gone? Don't women value themselves? And, how is it that an entire generation of men, with some exceptions that have yet to appear, finds objectifying and using women completely and undeniably okay?

It's impossible to state that women that participate in meaningless casual encounters with partners they won't ever see or speak to again, all suffer from low self-esteem, patriarchal childhood, or abandonment, issues. What does that mean for the men? Do you ever hear the excuse that men have low self-esteem, have father issues, have abandonment issues? No, you don't. Everyone has experienced some form of loss, so if one of these three possible reasons are acknowledged as a the culprit, that's still not an acceptable excuse. It's become quite clear that many men feel they are owed sex, for any type of time, or money, spent on a woman. An eight dollar drink equates to sex. Dinner and a movie means the girl should put out. Wanting a guy to hold off and get to know a woman before sex, well, that's just absurd. I've also heard the excuse that men become too old for masturbation. Uh, what?! If you believe that, there's something in your water turning your brain to mush.

Here are my key points, summarizing my thoughts on this issue:

(1) It is absolutely so disappointing to see people I know, or don't for that matter, that are so smart, so worthy of good things, choosing to participate in harmful activities, whether it be alcohol, drugs, or casual sex.
(2) Romance is dead. So is intimacy. Men cannot even fathom the concept of courting a woman. They have no idea what courting is, or how to do it.
(3) Parents should be held responsible. Mothers and fathers have not raised their sons to be good men, to have respect for women, to be courteous and loyal, nor have they raised their daughters to value themselves, and to expect to be treated by men with dignity.
(4) Women are not receptacles.

I'm tired of people allowing bad behavior to slide. I want women to expect better, expect more, and to not feel guilt about not giving in to a man's request for, or pressuring for, sex when they have not earned the privilege of being intimate with you. If a woman wants nothing more than a one-night stand, so be it. For those that want to foster a relationship, to build a friendship and intimacy, it shouldn't be a crusade.

I Forgot About January

I meant to write a post in January, by I forgot. Oh well. 

I've been thinking, quite a bit, about where I was a year, and two years ago, at this time. Last February feels like just yesterday--I guess that's why I've been thinking I'd like to tell my former self  to avoid certain situations and people. But that is impossible. Occasionally, I wish I could reach a check point, so to speak. I'd like some sort of divine acknowledgement that I'm doing the right things, that I'm on the right track. Until then, I continue to remind myself I'm exact where I should be, yet anxiety still lurks. 

I have a side job, which consists of helping an almost 89 year old woman once a week run, actually walk, various errands. She told me I was a good granddaughter, and may I remind you,  she is the mother of a family friend. I didn't have the opportunity to assist my  own grandparents, since I was young when they bought the farm (they weren't farm people though). Her words seemed sentimental in a way; I guess it's because they were unexpected. Still, I am reminded of how difficult it is to see someone aging, losing independence, all while the sprint is strong. I can see though she is worried and her mortality is weighing pretty heavily on her mind, which causes me o consider my own even more than usual, and I've never had an immortality complex anyway.