Think Like A Dog

I'm reminded that most of things I worry about are in fact, utter bullshit. I know logically that it is absurd to be anxious, yet emotionally, suffering from anxiety is a chronic issue for me. I'm not controlling, nor am I interested in controlling every. single. thing., I just happen to have unexpected panic attacks, like when I'm sitting at my desk, or driving in the car alone whilst singing, horribly, to Adele's Hello. 

I like to think of myself as a pragmatic individual. A friend of mine seems to generally agree that I'm logical and reasonable, while still retaining an emotional side. I do believe I am in touch with my feelings. But, my emotions seem to be becoming rather controlling. Granted, I recently learned that my beloved, my soul mate, my baby (dog) has cancer. I'm kind of sort of devastated. It's not that I thought she'd live forever--I certainly hoped she might just turn out to be an immortal one--it's just the fact that I'm confronted with potentially losing the little big love of my life at any time. We've been together for almost half my life. She's my shadow, literally and figuratively. We've snuggled every day. She's been my personal heater during winter, and my road trip companion. She's my heart. 

I've thought of myself as a spiritual being, but I'm becoming to think I have a lack of faith. I've learned to keep my expectations and hopes low over the years. With my dog, we have a super cosmic-soul connection. The beauty of her spirit is that she doesn't have fear or anxiety, unless I do and then I feel like crap because I influenced her negatively. She's basically a little biofeedback machine. Logically, I understand and completely admire the dog model of thought; now. As a human, said to be a higher functioning being, I struggle with implementing that same model. My mind has great difficulty focusing solely on the present. Is this a survival technique? It can't be because dogs, domestic and or wild, have survived without thinking about the future. Maybe this is an Occam's razor moment; the simplest answer is the best. The simplest function is superior to the convoluted one. 

I haven't even mentioned yet how selfless she is--I've been too busy writing about me--but I digress. There's not a narcissistic bone in her little body. Maybe narcissism is just another form of anxiety. More importantly, a learned behavior. All humans are guilty of it--except a few--I know I'm generalizing, but not one dog I've ever known or heard of suffers from narcissism. Dogs are simpler creatures, which would mean dogs are the better and more highly functioning beings. Maybe dogs, let's say dog equals nature, are more in tune with faith. If we say nature has full and enduring faith, since tragedy doesn't stop them in their tracks, that eliminates anxiety (about death). Moral of the story--I should think like my dog--and love unconditionally like my dog--but act like a lady. 

Looking for a flower in a garden of weeds

I am beyond perturbed. I am pissed. I am disgusted with women treating themselves like a cheap commodity. In the past two weeks, I've been told by guys that they'd really like to fuck me. Flattering, romantic, sweet, eh? These men are not even that good looking, they wear ridiculously shrunken and inappropriately fitting argyle sweaters, or they're from North Africa visiting on a tourist visa. And they get laid. Or so they say. I've had enough of men devaluing women. I've had enough of being tested by men who think I do not mean what I say. Casual sex, promulgated by social apps like Tinder, are just a symptom of the bigger issue. My generation of fellow men and women, are, for lack of a better expression, fucked up. Where are old-fashioned values? I'm not making absurd statements, like premarital sex is a sin. I'm asking, where have an individuals self-worth gone? Don't women value themselves? And, how is it that an entire generation of men, with some exceptions that have yet to appear, finds objectifying and using women completely and undeniably okay?

It's impossible to state that women that participate in meaningless casual encounters with partners they won't ever see or speak to again, all suffer from low self-esteem, patriarchal childhood, or abandonment, issues. What does that mean for the men? Do you ever hear the excuse that men have low self-esteem, have father issues, have abandonment issues? No, you don't. Everyone has experienced some form of loss, so if one of these three possible reasons are acknowledged as a the culprit, that's still not an acceptable excuse. It's become quite clear that many men feel they are owed sex, for any type of time, or money, spent on a woman. An eight dollar drink equates to sex. Dinner and a movie means the girl should put out. Wanting a guy to hold off and get to know a woman before sex, well, that's just absurd. I've also heard the excuse that men become too old for masturbation. Uh, what?! If you believe that, there's something in your water turning your brain to mush.

Here are my key points, summarizing my thoughts on this issue:

(1) It is absolutely so disappointing to see people I know, or don't for that matter, that are so smart, so worthy of good things, choosing to participate in harmful activities, whether it be alcohol, drugs, or casual sex.
(2) Romance is dead. So is intimacy. Men cannot even fathom the concept of courting a woman. They have no idea what courting is, or how to do it.
(3) Parents should be held responsible. Mothers and fathers have not raised their sons to be good men, to have respect for women, to be courteous and loyal, nor have they raised their daughters to value themselves, and to expect to be treated by men with dignity.
(4) Women are not receptacles.

I'm tired of people allowing bad behavior to slide. I want women to expect better, expect more, and to not feel guilt about not giving in to a man's request for, or pressuring for, sex when they have not earned the privilege of being intimate with you. If a woman wants nothing more than a one-night stand, so be it. For those that want to foster a relationship, to build a friendship and intimacy, it shouldn't be a crusade.

Conversations

So, I've been online dating for almost two years now and I'm learning new things about these specimens, the ones we call men, on a daily basis. Most, if not all, of my observations are somewhat banal, but nevertheless, useful. I read, as I am sure many women do too, on men's profiles that they seek a companion or person or woman with whom they would like to be able to have and sustain (intellectual and/or philosophical) conversations. That men wish to be able to have thoughtful and meaningful discussions may sound promising, but in reality, the men requesting such events are unable to begin or maintain such a conversation. Men aren't good conversationalists. True, we know this and we've known this to be fact for forever. Men don't want to share their feelings and they sure aren't going to be vulnerable and put themselves out there, which oddly enough, that is what the woman does and is expected to do in a sense. With that said, one would think online dating would be a perfect platform for all men, especially the ones that are fearful or anxious about starting up a conversation with women. Unfortunately, this doesn't seem to be the case. All too often I am messaged stupid lines of text that require zero thought. I've also come to recognize a copy-paste message among other effortless attempts to engage me in conversation, such as the ubiquitous one liner, "hey." Men who don't ask questions seem disinterested and uninterested, which leads me to believe my role as the woman seems to be ego-booster or immediate cure-for-boredom. Thoughts?

Discovery: Fascinating Phenomena of the Male Mind

November, also known as my favorite month, has flown by rather quickly. Naturally, interesting things have happened since my last post. Previously, I was committed to "winning" NaNoWriMo...that is until I didn't write one day, and then I didn't write the following day, and, of course, a pattern ensued. I have been writing a poem here and there, as well as adding small additions to my novellas I'm working on. I also took a part time job. I never expected to be working in the wonderful world of retail, but hey, it's temporary. Actually, everything is temporary. Dating is temporary, or so I make it so.

I dated a guy for two weeks this month, but I was never exactly interested. In fact, after the first time I met him, I was watching a Sex and The City episode where Carrie goes out with a guy that just isn't her type. She refers to dating him as if she's trying him on like a dress. As I was watching the episode, a light bulb, figuratively, of course, appeared above my head. Well, after a second date, I couldn't take any more so I promptly ended it. Phew. My special friend in Hungary, whom I'm not sure I've mentioned, has proven himself to be quite the animal. He has been exhibiting a complete lack of self-control, as well as possessing no morals whatsoever. As a stereotypical representation of the contemporary man, I have to say I'm kind of, if not completely, disgusted with his behavior. This guy isn't the first Capricorn (yes, I did just make an astrological reference) I've come across. From my observations, they prove to be shitty long-term partners and share similar characteristics that I find to be savage and downright annoying. They have a need for speeding things up, and from the two I've encountered, both contend with an incompatibility between woman and commitment. Honestly though, what's the point in a guy 'buying' when he can get so much for free?

I've figured out my friend's pattern of behavior, so kudos to me, right? Generally, we talk or text or video chat on a daily basis, but every so often, he disappears for a few days. Well, I've done some investigative reporting (I've won an award for this for real) and the results are fascinating. Alright, so there are a little more than four thousand miles, and a decade in age difference, between us, and he's single. Putting that to the side, I've discovered that when he ceases to exist in my reality, he's sleeping around. I asked bluntly to which he confirmed my suspicions. What's so interesting is that we're friends, maybe a little more than your average friend definition, but he disappears every time he has sex with some woman (the last one being old, according to his own words). It seems he experiences some sort of guilt or else he'd be talking to me, after he's finished with whatever woman he's used as a receptacle. We entered into an argument, well, I started it when I told him he uses women. He sees his behavior as a positive where I see it as the objectification and commodification of women. He doesn't care for or about these women--he just uses them. He complains the women he dates are not bright enough, not well-travelled enough, not sophisticated enough, blah blah blah... for him. Of course, I am all of those things (grin to self). He has no desire to know the women, be friends with them, just nothing outside of the sheets, yet he disagrees with my stance. He thinks he's living an authentic life as part of counter culture: not letting rules limit his options and or choices, freedom of sexual expression, etc. Naturally I told him he is the culture of our time, he is the contemporary man promulgating this era of sex with no strings attached. It's casual, he says. There is no such thing as casual, but we're talking about a man, and men, that don't enjoy feeling feelings. I think his argument is bullshit. Absent from his behavior and mindset are morals. He says he has values, but who knows. Seriously, luring a married woman into a potentially compromising situation, just because sex is natural, doesn't speak sainthood to me. Parasitic amoebae are natural too. I think comparing him to a potentially deadly single cell organism is actually a well fitting paradigm for his character. Still, I'm drawn to his charismatic, charming, extroverted personality. Is he a caring, kind, sweet guy? Yes, yes he is. Can he be faithful, committed or loyal? He says so, but he has yet to prove his abilities.

Do you think I'm right (I doubt I'm wrong) about his behavior being stereotypical for a majority of men in our society/culture today? I'm not going to generalize and say all men are like my friend, but I've come in contact with many who share similar traits. I do think many men view women as things to be used, as if a woman is commodity, and I think my friend is trying to spin his behavior in a positive light when in reality, he's as far from being a gentleman.

NaNoWriMo: Challenge Accepted

So I've made an executive decision. I will be participating in NaNoWriMo. I've already completed day one successfully with the addition of 2042 words to one story. I wrote for two hours and completely lost track of time. I'd like to prove to myself I can write fifty thousand words. I want to be a novelist so one must do novelist things.

I'm in a creative mood, as you can tell, so, I've also started a new self-portrait series. I don't know what to call it, but I'm playing with the idea of something being hallow and hollow at the same time. Blasphemy isn't the right word to describe it, but it's closer than anything else I can think of. 

It's Fall and things seem to be falling apart, so that's a good thing...

It's my favorite time of year, Fall, and things seem to be falling apart (but they're bound to come back together sometime!). Career, friends, relationships--everything is temporary even if they seem long term. I seem to be choosing the wrong men, but each new specimen is a drastic improvement over the previous, so I'm learning something. I try to have an open mind, I'm flexible about differences, and I'm trying to move past superficial bullshit as soon as possible. The latest guy, who lasted a whole three weeks, was rigid, ontologically focused on some nonsensical thing(s), and had a restrictive mindset. Although cute and intelligent, he's emotionally immature and confused. But…whatever. I'm just still trying to figure out what I'm supposed to learn from this experience.

Dating update, check. Career update, let's forgo that topic until a later date. Friends, yes lets discuss this. I loathe when 'friends' don't want me to know something, especially when it's about me. I can only take my friend(s) being arrogant, gossiping asses on a rare basis. Maybe it's a Southern thing, to talk about you to a mutual friend behind your back about some ludicrous thing, and when confronted, take offense. It's alright though, I have a Hungarian guy that I've become close friends with. We just clicked; we can talk about anything; and we can be honest with one another. So on the friend front, I've hit the jackpot.

I haven't written much lately, which could possibly be why I've felt anxious and moody. Or it's just me (probably). I've thought about writing, but my internship is time consuming. The drive, which is an ineffable experience, is mentally draining, and not sustainable or green, at all. It'll be ok though. At least I keep telling myself that...

Happy (Inter)National Coffee Day and other stuff

So in honor of (inter)national coffee day, I added money to my ever-decreasing Starbucks card balance.  I'm so close to gold status--I need that personalized gold card, because that will mean I'm a super important person--I won't give up now.

On a more intellectual note, I've been busy thinking about writing. As far as poetry goes, I'm lacking inspiration (I need some, to the universe: hint hint) I've been considering changing the narrative of one piece (which falls into the category of erotic fiction--no I won't post an excerpt) and proceeding with the other (which is regular fiction).

Lastly, I've been having crazy dreams: drowning, crazy people in a hotel, going back to school, stuck in school, etc. Alright, enough nonsensical rambling for now…if you wanna talk/write me, you know where to find me (either on Google+ or snuggled up with a blanket wearing fluffy socks reading Wilkie Collins' The Moonstone…I wish)

14 weeks till parole, I mean graduation

This has been a tough few months. Those of you who read my posts and/or follow me, or maybe the collective 'you' in you're are really just a bunch of bots (yay for alliteration!), who knows, ahhh I digress, you know I'm rather sensitive for an INTJ. Actually, I'm just better at expressing my feelings through written word. I figured that out when someone was talking to me about an opportunity and I said "I'm really excited, I would love to do that," and I could feel my face and it didn't exactly feel as if it was giving off the "I'm really excited, I would love to do that"face. At least I acknowledge my shortcomings. I keep dreaming about a certain someone, maybe once a week, and I'm not the type of person to talk myself into hating someone I couldn't exactly stay mad at, let alone get mad at, so it's making it very difficult to 'move on,' more specifically, I haven't met anyone recently where there's a spark…I need the damn spark! What's not helping either is the sample pool of potential dating specimens. I've met some quirky guys, nothing wrong with quirky, I'm quirky, but I've also encountered some not so nice ones too. It comes with the territory, but it's kind of hard for me to wrap my mind around the fact that I 'met' (only messaged online) a guy that told me I don't eat enough (who the hell do you think you are?!), I shouldn't and don't need to work out (again, really who the hell do you think you are?!), and in order for us to have a relationship (again, I never met him!), I'd need to compromise with him (isn't this like a we've been dating for six months talk??) and allow him to cook for me (maybe this could work…), but his cooking would have to be his way because he refuses to cook "healthy hipster Whole Foods crap" (ehhh, I don't think it's gonna work...) and I would need to gain a few pounds (nope. Definitely not gonna work…). I've very picky, I've come to terms with this too. I'm not asking guys out for coffee either anymore. Sometimes I think I'm the one with balls, but I just can't find them…Besides looking for someone I'd actually be willing and wanting to spend time with, I'm working on my last semester. Hopefully I'll graduate with my remaining hair and the migraines and anxiety will magically go poof. Until then, I'll cry just a little each time I find a strand of hair not on my head. One day, my hair will be as magnificent as it was in Kindergarten.

Why I Hate Living In A Dorm

To whom it may concern,

Who knew most people were pigs? Well, if their family it's one thing. But if they are strangers? I hate living in the dorm for one humongous reason. Eighteen to twenty years olds (roommate ages subject to change without notice), other than my self and a few others out there (I'm with you and I feel your pain), have no common sense and have to be told exactly how to clean up after themselves, how to properly work the temperature gauge for the entire apartment (because it's quite clear that the three of you don't know how), how to lock the door when you leave the apartment and when you come back to the apartment, and then when you politely tell them through a series of thoughtful, handwritten notes taped to the designated areas, the entire process of educating these young, stunted minds becomes one of a 'dictatorship'.

What? I'm confused about this. A dictatorship? And we live in a democracy?

Let me be absolutely, crystal clear. I didn't force anyone to take out there eight day old trash piled at least four inches above the top of the garbage can that smelled like goat vomit that had been ruminating in a cow's stomach for four days. I didn't force anyone to lock the door for everyone's safety because there is nothing like coming home to someone stealing your stuff or worse. I didn't force anyone to not turn the temperature dial all the way to the right (freakin hot as hell). I simply suggested that you find another way to get warm. I recommended some easy to do, understandable options like put on pants if you're wearing shorts - put socks on - wear a sweatshirt - get a blanket. 

And now I have turned this place into adictatorship? The definition of dictatorship is"a country, government or the form of government in which absolute power is exercised by a dictator."

Maybe that's too hard to comprehend - I meanunderstand. 

A dictatorship is "a form of government inwhich the ruler is an absolute dictator (not restricted by a constitution orlaws or opposition etc.)" 

A dictator is "A ruler with total power over acountry, typically one who has obtained power by force (do not think a dictatoris Sacha Baron Cohen - I said don't think about it - now you're thinking aboutit)

See? I haven't done that at all. I've just used myfirst amendment right or is that not part of a democracy? 

If you were mature, independent and responsible, Iwould NOT have to post notes about your shortcomings. Grow up and clean up yourown shit!

Love from Hell, 

Ari

p.s. you just got told.