Happy Freakin New Year

My year in review:

January - ended relationship with religious fanatic
February - saw a violinist for a while
March - found out I was going to Israel
April - not applicable
May - went to Israel
June - almost died in Israel
July - decided to get a new job
August - quit my job
September - started my new job
October - met another guy
November - had a boyfriend take me to dinner for my birthday for the first time ever
December - broke up with said boyfriend and started baking bread -> see new blog: colorandcrisp.blogspot.com

January 2017? Maybe I'll pick up writing my novel(s) again. I think 2017 is going to be about doing what I enjoy much more often. Meanwhile, while I type, I hear a rather not faint at all tink tink of my dog's collar. It's rather distracting.

Conversations

So, I've been online dating for almost two years now and I'm learning new things about these specimens, the ones we call men, on a daily basis. Most, if not all, of my observations are somewhat banal, but nevertheless, useful. I read, as I am sure many women do too, on men's profiles that they seek a companion or person or woman with whom they would like to be able to have and sustain (intellectual and/or philosophical) conversations. That men wish to be able to have thoughtful and meaningful discussions may sound promising, but in reality, the men requesting such events are unable to begin or maintain such a conversation. Men aren't good conversationalists. True, we know this and we've known this to be fact for forever. Men don't want to share their feelings and they sure aren't going to be vulnerable and put themselves out there, which oddly enough, that is what the woman does and is expected to do in a sense. With that said, one would think online dating would be a perfect platform for all men, especially the ones that are fearful or anxious about starting up a conversation with women. Unfortunately, this doesn't seem to be the case. All too often I am messaged stupid lines of text that require zero thought. I've also come to recognize a copy-paste message among other effortless attempts to engage me in conversation, such as the ubiquitous one liner, "hey." Men who don't ask questions seem disinterested and uninterested, which leads me to believe my role as the woman seems to be ego-booster or immediate cure-for-boredom. Thoughts?

Discovery: Fascinating Phenomena of the Male Mind

November, also known as my favorite month, has flown by rather quickly. Naturally, interesting things have happened since my last post. Previously, I was committed to "winning" NaNoWriMo...that is until I didn't write one day, and then I didn't write the following day, and, of course, a pattern ensued. I have been writing a poem here and there, as well as adding small additions to my novellas I'm working on. I also took a part time job. I never expected to be working in the wonderful world of retail, but hey, it's temporary. Actually, everything is temporary. Dating is temporary, or so I make it so.

I dated a guy for two weeks this month, but I was never exactly interested. In fact, after the first time I met him, I was watching a Sex and The City episode where Carrie goes out with a guy that just isn't her type. She refers to dating him as if she's trying him on like a dress. As I was watching the episode, a light bulb, figuratively, of course, appeared above my head. Well, after a second date, I couldn't take any more so I promptly ended it. Phew. My special friend in Hungary, whom I'm not sure I've mentioned, has proven himself to be quite the animal. He has been exhibiting a complete lack of self-control, as well as possessing no morals whatsoever. As a stereotypical representation of the contemporary man, I have to say I'm kind of, if not completely, disgusted with his behavior. This guy isn't the first Capricorn (yes, I did just make an astrological reference) I've come across. From my observations, they prove to be shitty long-term partners and share similar characteristics that I find to be savage and downright annoying. They have a need for speeding things up, and from the two I've encountered, both contend with an incompatibility between woman and commitment. Honestly though, what's the point in a guy 'buying' when he can get so much for free?

I've figured out my friend's pattern of behavior, so kudos to me, right? Generally, we talk or text or video chat on a daily basis, but every so often, he disappears for a few days. Well, I've done some investigative reporting (I've won an award for this for real) and the results are fascinating. Alright, so there are a little more than four thousand miles, and a decade in age difference, between us, and he's single. Putting that to the side, I've discovered that when he ceases to exist in my reality, he's sleeping around. I asked bluntly to which he confirmed my suspicions. What's so interesting is that we're friends, maybe a little more than your average friend definition, but he disappears every time he has sex with some woman (the last one being old, according to his own words). It seems he experiences some sort of guilt or else he'd be talking to me, after he's finished with whatever woman he's used as a receptacle. We entered into an argument, well, I started it when I told him he uses women. He sees his behavior as a positive where I see it as the objectification and commodification of women. He doesn't care for or about these women--he just uses them. He complains the women he dates are not bright enough, not well-travelled enough, not sophisticated enough, blah blah blah... for him. Of course, I am all of those things (grin to self). He has no desire to know the women, be friends with them, just nothing outside of the sheets, yet he disagrees with my stance. He thinks he's living an authentic life as part of counter culture: not letting rules limit his options and or choices, freedom of sexual expression, etc. Naturally I told him he is the culture of our time, he is the contemporary man promulgating this era of sex with no strings attached. It's casual, he says. There is no such thing as casual, but we're talking about a man, and men, that don't enjoy feeling feelings. I think his argument is bullshit. Absent from his behavior and mindset are morals. He says he has values, but who knows. Seriously, luring a married woman into a potentially compromising situation, just because sex is natural, doesn't speak sainthood to me. Parasitic amoebae are natural too. I think comparing him to a potentially deadly single cell organism is actually a well fitting paradigm for his character. Still, I'm drawn to his charismatic, charming, extroverted personality. Is he a caring, kind, sweet guy? Yes, yes he is. Can he be faithful, committed or loyal? He says so, but he has yet to prove his abilities.

Do you think I'm right (I doubt I'm wrong) about his behavior being stereotypical for a majority of men in our society/culture today? I'm not going to generalize and say all men are like my friend, but I've come in contact with many who share similar traits. I do think many men view women as things to be used, as if a woman is commodity, and I think my friend is trying to spin his behavior in a positive light when in reality, he's as far from being a gentleman.

It's Fall and things seem to be falling apart, so that's a good thing...

It's my favorite time of year, Fall, and things seem to be falling apart (but they're bound to come back together sometime!). Career, friends, relationships--everything is temporary even if they seem long term. I seem to be choosing the wrong men, but each new specimen is a drastic improvement over the previous, so I'm learning something. I try to have an open mind, I'm flexible about differences, and I'm trying to move past superficial bullshit as soon as possible. The latest guy, who lasted a whole three weeks, was rigid, ontologically focused on some nonsensical thing(s), and had a restrictive mindset. Although cute and intelligent, he's emotionally immature and confused. But…whatever. I'm just still trying to figure out what I'm supposed to learn from this experience.

Dating update, check. Career update, let's forgo that topic until a later date. Friends, yes lets discuss this. I loathe when 'friends' don't want me to know something, especially when it's about me. I can only take my friend(s) being arrogant, gossiping asses on a rare basis. Maybe it's a Southern thing, to talk about you to a mutual friend behind your back about some ludicrous thing, and when confronted, take offense. It's alright though, I have a Hungarian guy that I've become close friends with. We just clicked; we can talk about anything; and we can be honest with one another. So on the friend front, I've hit the jackpot.

I haven't written much lately, which could possibly be why I've felt anxious and moody. Or it's just me (probably). I've thought about writing, but my internship is time consuming. The drive, which is an ineffable experience, is mentally draining, and not sustainable or green, at all. It'll be ok though. At least I keep telling myself that...

New Poem, work in progress: Calm Before the Storm

Calm Before the Storm

You parked your car and walked towards me for the last time

when I shivered from the air, icy, and your glare.

You, dressed in khakis and a pleather jacket,

adjusted your aviators, chrome colored, and looked down at me.

My reflection in your lenses looked small and my expression,

turned from pale and placid to blank stare.

Your eyes you repeatedly refused to reveal

cut through me when you yelled

you betrayed me, you broke my trust.

I stood there with each word stabbing me,

and I spoke nothing of value, I offered nothing but exhaustion

while, in silence, the trees dressed in green stood

and people walked by watching.

Only when you puffed up all six feet two inches of yourself—

your teeth showing, your neck erect, your shoulders broad,

your arms out, your legs stiff and feet firmly placed in the gravel,

did you feel comfortable in your skin for the first time.

For the first time you asked me if I was afraid of you.

Each word you spewed at me softened when I said no.

Your body deflated and I heard air expel from your lips,

the ones I wanted to kiss so badly before,

and with fists stuffed in your pockets,

you said see you later.

©AAC 2014

Online Dating: Worst Experience Ever

I want to preface this piece by stating I'll be taking my profiles off sites in the near future. And to my parents, for all the anger/annoyance I've caused, I'm sorry.

I've tried Okcupid. I've tried Jdate. I've tried PlentyOfFish. And I've had a horrible, and occasionally terrifying,  experience with online dating. I signed up with Okcupid (Okc) in February of 2013 one night when I was bored and couldn't fall asleep. It was fun and flattering at the beginning to receive messages from guys within thirty seconds of creating a profile. With just my photo alone I had guys proposing...haha. The first guy I met was in his mid twenties and his tag line was that he was a 'British Jew.' He was born and raised in Georgia, and had a pretty thick southern accent (ick). I hadn't realized I just met the first category of man I'd be meeting over and over: the (not too bright) liar. A few weeks later I met a guy I'd end up falling for. Again, I met the second category of common man: this is difficult for me to say...the (intelligent) mentally unstable. I should have known I was getting myself into trouble when I thought my deceased grandfather, a psychiatrist, would have found him to be fascinating and intelligent. 

Along the way, I met an engineer that wrote code and had a hair cut resembling a phallic object (you know what I'm saying), an insecure UGA grad, a pilot (that I set up with my best friend and she liked him, I knew she would), a Feeder with a fat fetish, a lawyer with a really annoying laugh, a Falafel restaurant and food truck owner, a Vanderbilt civil engineer that looked like a skinny ass chicken, an accountant that said guys don't get raped in Panama (I told him to watch Deliverance before his bro-trip), an incredibly shy in person/assertive online film guy, a dog food salesman that wouldn't call me to ask me out, and I'm forgetting the countless others. The one with the penis hair was most definitely the creepiest. He was polite enough to ask me if I'd like a ride home, but I felt it would be safer to walk myself home, in midtown, in the dark, than to get in the car with him. The award for rudest guy is split between the Falafel guy and the civil engineer. Falafel guy looked me up and down, sighed, and when the cashier asked if our Starbucks order was together, he responded with, "sort of, but not really." Civil engineer got to Starbucks early and offered to stand in line with me while I bought my drink. Civil engineer asked me out, for the record, and he was really quite skinny. I ended up going out with a talented musician for six weeks after we met a second first time. He fell asleep on the 'first date' (I don't call vodka and coke zero a date), had a habit of snorting a certain substance because, as his mother said, working over 120 hours a week isn't enough, and he was always exhausted. I ended it after continually being asked "when will you love me??" (I never intended to...) and being told he had already chosen a replacement even before he met me. Nice guys, nice guys...

Despite the bad coffee dates, many of the messages I received were quite entertaining. I took the opportunity to respond to these guys truthfully, which means I called them out on their shit. Most recently, I was named a Facebook stalker. (1) The guy messaged me his Facebook link. (2) His Okc profile stated he was single and looking for friends, dating, and sex. (3) His Facebook says he's in a relationship. (4) He's a poor bullshitter aka liar when confronted, and blocked me when I called him out! I was also accused of looking pretentious by one guy because I use "big words," to which I replied "one cannot 'look' pretentious. You either are or you're not." Let's just say he regressed and his next two messages were infantile. Clearly he doesn't handle blatant rejection well. Another guy messaged me and I found out he was expelled from high school for grand larceny at 15. When I responded with "that's a felony," he followed up with "yes but I was 15 so I'm not a felon. Do you smoke [pot]?" 

From these websites I've met guys that use substances for reasons they shouldn't, have a history of criminal activity, lie conspicuously, aren't intelligent, and most often, they tell me my expectations are too high. I've given it a lot of thought and you're probably thinking, well you're the common denominator. You're correct, but it took quite a bit of time to uncover the truth in certain instances. I guess I was too nice in a way (which if you know me sounds like the punch line of a joke). I did give certain guys second, even third, chances. I learned I'm pretty damn good at expressing myself (who knew?), I can love, I am accepting and nonjudgmental, I'm interesting, I'm intelligent, and of course my high expectations are causes of great disappointment (a different civil engineer said I was disappointing after refusing to send selfies). 

Things I say to guys:

-Don't tell me something I like (TV show, movie, music, etc.) is stupid in your initial message. It's rude and putting someone down isn't a way to get someone to like you. 

-If you preface your statement with "my my," I take it my expectations are too high for you. 

-If you don't know what a word I use means, LOOK IT UP.

-Never ask me if you can ask me a question (I delete your avatar and message from my inbox). 

-Never discuss anything sexual, it's creepy, crude, and immature. 

-Be a man and plan a date. This is where feminism has destroyed the definition of masculinity. I've come to the conclusion I'm more masculine (confrontational/courageous) than some of these men. 

At first glance, it seems I've wasted time dealing with, messaging, meeting, and talking with all these guys. It's not. It is exhausting, but like I know what type of job I don't want, I know exactly what type of guy I don't want in my life. 

Melancholy Monday

Ugh. That's right. You guessed it. Heartbreak. Cliché. I know.

It happened again, for the second time. There's one thing in this world I cannot stand: lies. Why I even write about this here, I do not know. All I can say is I'm so disappointed. The odd thing is I'm not mad at him, at all. In fact, I just feel angry, hurt, and sad. I may just have a complete book of poetry from this experience.

All I've been doing is writing; poetry on paper, on my laptop, or in my head. At least I have loved someone; I didn't get much in return, just a hint that he really cared: "You have to have loved someone in order to hate them." I guess that's as close I was ever going to get from him about how he felt towards me.

I accept people where they are, the problem was he didn't want someone to accept him, or he was just playing me the whole time. That's the sad part. Maybe one day he'll feel that I loved him, accept it or appreciate it. Everyone is worthy of someone caring about and loving them, no matter what. You can argue with me about that, but let's just agree to disagree.

I don't know how long it will take for me to get over this. It feels like it will take a lifetime.

There have been ups, but mostly downs

I'm not going to lie, I'm going to be perfectly honest when I say that this past week has been shit. It's a culmination of things. An amalgamation of stress, tiredness, and disappointment among other things. I've been writing more frequently--it's my way of meditation. I've written a few poems the last few days, not sure if I actually feel better because I just feel the need to write more. 

On another note, I have about eight weeks till graduation and I'm looking forward to it, immensely. I've lost most, if not all, motivation in regards to school. The days of being an overachiever may have passed and I'm okay with that. I feel burnt out. Rebellious. I don't want to read nor do anything I don't want to nor do I feel like being personable. 

I keep thinking about the meaning of things, the meaning of situations, events, meeting people, etc. People are disappointing me a lot lately. It's annoying and frustrating, but mainly disappointing. I'm tired of dishonesty and incongruency and I don't feel I have the time to waste. I guess I'm a believer in maximizing efficiency of time, in particular my time. Time feels fast to me. This feels difficult. 

14 weeks till parole, I mean graduation

This has been a tough few months. Those of you who read my posts and/or follow me, or maybe the collective 'you' in you're are really just a bunch of bots (yay for alliteration!), who knows, ahhh I digress, you know I'm rather sensitive for an INTJ. Actually, I'm just better at expressing my feelings through written word. I figured that out when someone was talking to me about an opportunity and I said "I'm really excited, I would love to do that," and I could feel my face and it didn't exactly feel as if it was giving off the "I'm really excited, I would love to do that"face. At least I acknowledge my shortcomings. I keep dreaming about a certain someone, maybe once a week, and I'm not the type of person to talk myself into hating someone I couldn't exactly stay mad at, let alone get mad at, so it's making it very difficult to 'move on,' more specifically, I haven't met anyone recently where there's a spark…I need the damn spark! What's not helping either is the sample pool of potential dating specimens. I've met some quirky guys, nothing wrong with quirky, I'm quirky, but I've also encountered some not so nice ones too. It comes with the territory, but it's kind of hard for me to wrap my mind around the fact that I 'met' (only messaged online) a guy that told me I don't eat enough (who the hell do you think you are?!), I shouldn't and don't need to work out (again, really who the hell do you think you are?!), and in order for us to have a relationship (again, I never met him!), I'd need to compromise with him (isn't this like a we've been dating for six months talk??) and allow him to cook for me (maybe this could work…), but his cooking would have to be his way because he refuses to cook "healthy hipster Whole Foods crap" (ehhh, I don't think it's gonna work...) and I would need to gain a few pounds (nope. Definitely not gonna work…). I've very picky, I've come to terms with this too. I'm not asking guys out for coffee either anymore. Sometimes I think I'm the one with balls, but I just can't find them…Besides looking for someone I'd actually be willing and wanting to spend time with, I'm working on my last semester. Hopefully I'll graduate with my remaining hair and the migraines and anxiety will magically go poof. Until then, I'll cry just a little each time I find a strand of hair not on my head. One day, my hair will be as magnificent as it was in Kindergarten.

I'm backkkk…with my usual attitude

     I'm back. Spring semester has sprung, I mean begun, and this is my last undergraduate semester, ever. Am I excited, overjoyed, ecstatic? You bet I am. The first week is the toughest (I know the rhythm and sound of that sentence reminds you of some Sheryl Crow song, but I assure you, it's a novel idea, maybe). I've been pissed this week.
     My roommate is annoying. She's always cold or something isn't working correctly in the apartment (and they don't submit a maintenance request; no common sense?) or, again, they're cold, e.g. "the cold makes me like, physically ill, like, I'm not from here," or people, in general, feel the need to tell me what I "should" or "shouldn't" do.
     The moral of the story is that I don't want to live with roommates again--that is unless we're really good friends and have the same desired cleanliness level and they have common sense, or I love them. I don't even have time to mention the used-to-be-white-bathtub-which-is-now-grey and getting grayer every few days…seriously, what do you need Tide HE laundry detergent for if you're washing your clothes in a bathtub…sigh...

The best title I could come up with

I haven't blogged in a while. I know.

School has been overwhelming. One class in particular, a 'nonlinear documents' class, a.k.a photography course, has proven to be tremendously time consuming. I've been working on a research paper on 'postmortem photography in relation to art and reality' for photography class, as well as two other research papers for a film course (Editing of Fritz Lang's M versus Classical Continuity Style Editing and Soviet Editing) and a reception history of Bruce Chatwin's novella, The Viceroy of Ouidah, which hasn't actually been started...yet. In between reading research and writing research papers, I've been working on an idea for erotic fiction. I only have about 2000 words, so it's only an idea at this point. I haven't worked on writing poetry lately (sad face). I've also been going through one of those in-between phases. I guess the best way to describe it would be the scene from Sideways where Miles (played by Paul Giamatti) refuses to drink merlot because he'll go to the 'dark side' or if you prefer Cold Souls, the scene where he says "My soul is a chickpea?!"

Well I guess I've been there for a few weeks now; my motivation (to start anything) is at a very low negative one, that's right, it's beyond zero. I can't sleep and when I do, I wake up every few hours (e.g. I woke up last night at 10:46pm, then 1:30am, 4:54am, 6:30am, 6:57am). All I want to do is bake, watch movies, read, write and sleep. Some day's I worry about my future, the next, I'm pretty much like 'fuck it.' I don't want to be a consultant or travel (unless it's to actually travel to see the world, travel and work is a big fat lie). Any-ways... and then there's the bit about the guy. I watched Benjamin Button and started crying because Benjamin goes away and disappears...it's a reminder of a loss of friendship (or was it not?? Friends don't just disappear when things aren't all smiley faces and warm, fuzzy kittens so in that case, we had nothing but an illusion of a friendship, my fault for misunderstanding), what if's, wants, all that crap you know what I'm talking about. I go from angry to sad to sadder and then saddest of all. I don't open up to people often, it takes years, and I took a risk and I did and it just hurts. But I'm working on letting go, moving on and jotting down whatever comes to mind, in case I get a poem or two out of all of this. It may be surprising (probably not) but I'm good at expressing myself through text, hence the poetry, but I don't share my emotions so well verbally. I come off cold, insensitive and unfeeling if I feel things such as disappointment, sadness, emotional pain, anger, etc. Apart from feeling crushed and slightly heartbroken, I'm still functioning at a relatively high level.

I think I've rambled on about nonsensical things enough now that it would be the right thing to do to let you go back to being productive members on the Internet. Live Long and Prosper.

"Hey there, can I ask you a question?"

Normally I respond with "you just did," but I decided to not be completely bitchy and instead said "sure." I knew what was coming as soon as he responded with "you're probably the hottest girl on here lol." I wasn't expecting to receive the offer I did, but I'll get to that in a minute.

Here's his stats:

Age: 28

Occupation: Special Needs teacher (to little children...quite scary if you continue to read below)

Username: something along the line of dontbecrazy

Attractiveness before I read what he wrote to me: 0

Attractiveness after I read what he wrote to me: -infinite 

He first asked if I'd be interested in any type of relationship. First of all, the use of 'any type of relationship' from some guy just oozes sleaziness, vulgarity and automatically earns a "block me" status in my book. 

But wait, it gets better. I said I wasn't interested. I said "I must reject your offer for any type of relationship." And then he responds with three paragraphs of grossness. He says he would "give massages and would LOVE to go down" on me, all when I'm in between dating other guys. He also promises that he wouldn't request anything of me, ever. He also states that this is just something he recently decided he wanted to do (you mean like five minutes ago?) and he doesn't say or offer his services to just anyone...sure, uh huh, rightttt... 

If you're reading this, I've left out some details FYI, and I just want you to know this is typical behavior/ a typical message that approximately 5% of guys on okcupid send (in my opinion). Most don't send messages like this, so it's an opportunity to blog about it. I can see the positive in this experience...

My first spout...awww...how adorable...hissssss

It's 6:56 pm. I am mildly pissed, agitated and somewhat depressed. This isn't my normal self, well, almost. I am listening to the incessant hum and drip of my Haier mini fridge. It's now 6:58 pm. It's now 7:00 pm. You may be asking yourself, "what is wrong with this girl?" I'll tell you. It's the English. It's all their fault. I am sitting in my rectangular dorm room, furnished by Walmart and Kohl's - but mostly by Walmart - with a teal, magenta, mustard yellow and gray color scheme. It does look lovely, courtesy of Mommy and Daddy, but still.  I have no dog, no Chihuahua nor Pekingese, nor my menacing cat that bites. At least I can watch Fox News Channel on my phone and Fox News Live Online...And for all of you who say FNC is a bunch of nonsense, I'll tell you that Fox News is "fair and balanced" and if you disagree, well then you're just plain biased and ignorant*.

*It's my blog so I can write whatever the hell I want and you can't stop me. Until the first amendment is repealed, I can voice my voice...so there!

So back to the English. It's all their fault that I, and thousands of others are at colleges and universities - ripped away from their families! I knew when I was six years old, SIX years old people!, that I didn't want to ever leave home. Right about now I expect some of you are thinking, "going away to college is a 'good' thing, it promotes personal growth." Well, what if I am already grown and I just happen to know that I didn't want to leave home. To society, children above eighteen living at home is like a disease- maybe like Bullous Pemphigoid, but I am certainly not a blister. In other countries, it's perfectly acceptable and 'normal' (American word of choice). I am sooooooo tired of people saying "It's normal to go away to school, is that behavior normal?, that's not normal to not want to leave home... And growth is another crap word too, "she''ll grow, you'll grow, you'll both grow..." You know what happens to things that grow? They eventually reach maturity and then die! So I guess, in effect, I'm like a droopy, discolored, depressing looking plant about to keel over the side of the terra-cotta pot. Why can't people let other people die slowly, happily and in peace? Why?

The English were the first to travel around the world and 'civilize' the poor, uncivilized people. The English do-gooders, with their "white man's burden" and frilly clothing forced their religion onto native persons, purged them of their culture, brought death and disease, and ugly ass wigs covered in dust. And that is what our society is based on, a bunch of meanness, narcissism, filth and ego.

Because of the English I am suffering. Suffering, yes, suffering from societal norms. I loathe these societal norms and this "peer pressure" from other human beings. Who gave humans this kind of power? Why, it must have been god because that is where the English and all the other ruling civilizations got their "mandate" to force their ideals onto innocent, happy people.  It's all about fear. Fear - fear is power. Religion was created to instill fear within mass populations for one reason, to gain power.

Do you see my point? If you do, great, kudos to you.

If you don't, it's most likely because you are brainwashed. Your mind is saturated - polluted with these exact societal norms I speak of. Maybe you aren't a free thinker, maybe you'll never understand. The best thing you can do is to repent your sins by no longer casting these hellish ideas and pressures onto others because who are you to tell others that you know best? You and I are animals. Highly functioning animals that can be cruel, terrible and ghastly. We are mere creatures that roam the earth for a finite amount of time. So be kind and make no generalizations upon others because each individual knows what is best for themselves. I do not need nor desire anyone's advice or 'words of encouragement' (i.e. "you'll be fine"... [my ass])  from anyone unless asked. I just want my furry people, my blanket and pillow, and my home where the people who care most about me reside.