Government bans light bulbs and government bans plasticwater bottles in Concord, Massachusetts. Government bans extra large sodas,unpasteurized milk and foie gras. People ban books and limit the number of catsyou can have in Wellington, Kansas. We might as well ban all sugary drinksincluding, but not limited to: fruit juices, regular sodas of all flavors,coffee creamers, milks, and teas. Fast food should be eliminated because it’sfull of fat, sugar and salt and makes us fat. Chocolate is evil because it’sfull of sugar. Cheese shouldn’t be produced because it makes people obese. Infact, depending on what kinds of medication one is on, one should not beallowed to eat foods that correspond to contributing to the health issues, i.e.if you are on high blood pressure medications, you shouldn’t be allowed to eat anythingwith salt. All processed foods should beeliminated from the diet because it causes obesity.
Just as most types of food aren’t healthy, other behaviorsaren’t healthy. Condoms and birth control should be banned because it promotespre-marital sex and when the technology doesn’t work, it causes abortion.Abortion should be banned because it’s murder and it was sinful to do you knowwhat when it should only be legal to do it for reproductive purposes. Alcoholshould be banned because it makes people stupid and it’s poison. Cows andchickens and fish shouldn’t be farmed as food, they’re friends. Cell phones andcomputers should be banned because they keep us sedentary and make us fat.
Plastic surgery should be banned if it’s being used forreasons other than reconstruction. Breast augmentations, rhinoplasties,face-lifts and botox injections are dangerous and unnecessary. Cosmetics shouldbe totally eliminated because they are made of chemicals. Leather clothing,accessories and furniture should stop being produced because that’s animalcruelty. Cars should be outlawed because they are weapons of mass destructionand cause pollution. Hand dryers in restrooms should be banned because theyactually blow the bacteria onto your hands and can cause illness. The using ofhand sanitizers should be made illegal because it’s really unhygienic andpromote resistant bacteria. The hem of women’s and men’s shorts should be noshorter than three inches away from the top of the knee cap to eliminate anindividuals bodily fluids from escaping their body and contaminating chairs,exercise equipment, benches, seats on buses, planes and trains.
Old people smell and it’s unhealthy and distressing foryounger people to see older people become decrepit; therefore the elderlyshould be banned and properly disposed of. Flowers should not be sold as indoordecorative pieces because they can carry bugs. Aluminum should be bannedbecause it is known to cause Alzheimer’s if consumed. Socks should be sold inmultiples of three because, inevitably, one always gets lost. These itemsshould be banned as well: magazines, tablets, vitamins, x-rays, dentalcleanings, swimming (deadly amoebas), airplanes, museums, movies and freespeech because it can be hurtful.
Doesn’t it seem that our freedom is becoming less free? Are we really that inept that we need an institution to make our own decisions forus? Are we so stupid that we don’t know what is best for ourselves? I think Jonathan Swift had a brilliant idea – we should farm infants for food. And Iknow just the place – Russia. They have thousands of orphaned, invalid childrenplumping up. We could harvest them, chop them up, package them in recycledmaterials and ship them over to Africa where we can hand out a freeze-driedpackage of Russian orphan to every polio vaccine recipient. We can solve worldhunger and eliminate a disabling illness all at once.
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